XOXC2018 - Step One

So… Xoua and I got married. This came as a surprise to many but it is true – in a three month timeframe, we eloped, moved in together, and had a 350+ guest wedding. Were we crazy? Yes. Would we have it any other way? Never. First, we found ourselves clarifying to a lot of our family and friends that there were no unexpected pregnancies… and of course it honestly did not help that I had gained some weight and was super emotional. We explained to a lot of our loved ones that we did not want a long engagement because we would ideally like to start a family soon… but before I dive into the details, let’s start at step one.

In Hmong culture, there are several processes to take when getting married, one very traditional method which includes bridenapping. In more modern societies, this bridenapping has turned into an “eloping” process where the bride would elope with the groom which would then set off a chain reaction of clan representatives, negotiations, and lots of meetings. Another option is having the groom come to the bride’s house to ask for her hand in marriage and then arranging wedding details with clan representatives. When Xoua and I both decided we wanted to get married, we went back and forth between the two options (and even kidded about the bridenapping). We came to agree on eloping together.  Now, this is often a controversial topic that some couples go through before they even get to the “marriage” part – and the argument I often see with this is that the bride often feels like eloping feels very “submissive” as though she is literally running away with a guy because of love. Other brides have their own beliefs on why they want the groom to do the formal process. I personally struggled with this myself because I felt insecure about whether I was comfortable eloping at the age of 30 and if my parents would be hurt. Fortunately, I had a variety of sounding boards that assured me there were ways to arrange an elopement without completely surprising my immediate family and close loved ones. These pieces of advice were taken seriously which lead me to the decision to agree with an elopement.

Right before 2017 was over, Xoua and I had a sit down meeting with my parents as Xoua shared his intentions to marry me. We did not give details about when, but Xoua did make it clear that he had no intentions of leading me along without commitment. I still remember the conversation we had with them. I was so nervous and felt so embarrassed that I could barely get a word out. Xoua ended up doing all the talking and I was so proud of him and the way he spoke with confidence and assurance. My parents were speechless at first, asked us a few tough questions, and ended with the statement that nothing is solidified until the rubber hits the road.  Xoua then met with my father-in-law and it was decided that we would elope in February 2018. Once we knew the month… we started planning travel schedules and arranging how soon after we would want to have our wedding. This was especially tricky because Xoua’s family lives on the West Coast, Xoua lives in the Northwest, and I live in the Midwest. Fortunately, Xoua was flexible enough to let me do most of the wedding planning as we both set a budget and started our research... I even looked at a Hmong calendar to make sure we were picking ‘lucky’ dates - haha - sounds crazy, but it is true! (And if anyone wants me to look up any dates for them, let me know!)

Some may wonder why I am sharing such intricate details and the truth is that I grew up thinking an elopement had to be a deep dark secret or a spur of the moment decision where parents frantically search for their daughter in panic. I realized that there were actually options as long as you and your spouse both agree to openly communicate with both sets of parents. So to all my single Hmong ladies out there – just remember that you have options. Do not feel trapped or saddened that you only have a narrow path to take when you find the man of your dreams to marry - because the reality is that the path is as narrow as you both make it. Although some may be against this, we spent a lot of time sharing our values with each other. I remember Xoua asking me, “What is your dream wedding and what will make you happy?” And I answered with, “I don’t know!!” Hahaha then I followed up with the fact that I never imagined eloping without saying a single word to my parents. Xoua was understanding enough to ensure my heart was at peace and make this come true without crossing boundaries or jeopardizing our elopement plans with the elders.

So what happened next? Well, that will be in next week’s posting when I dive deeper into our elopement my friends. Until next time… xoxc